November 2025
We place an empty chair in every council circle we offer, whether in a prison, a police precinct, a classroom, or a board room. Groups practicing council imagine that seat being filled by someone whose absence is actually quite present for us. Sometimes the empty chair is “occupied” by someone we miss and wish could be in attendance, but often it’s filled by the presence of someone we are at odds with, a presence that aggravates, haunts, enrages us. We sometimes refer to that presence as “the other” and it’s surprising to see the powerful way “they” impact us and work us up.
More and more, we seem to be separating the terrain into “us and them.” I often ask myself: “who am I othering?” It’s a question that comes up in much of our work. For those of us committed to doing good in the world, we often find ourselves empathizing deeply with those we seek to serve, and growing frustrated with those who present an obstacle or “just don’t get it.” There’s always someone who rolls their eyes, creates unreasonable demands – or worse. Sometimes these observations are based in reality, but I’ll admit that I’ve found myself embellishing the story of the other, and filling in details about the heartlessness, ignorance, greed and nastiness that surely led that faceless person to cut me off in traffic…
Othering is not unique to these times, but the depth and magnitude of that phenomenon in our everyday life has become a serious problem in this cultural moment. It seems to have seeped into how many of us see the world. Journalist Thomas Friedman has observed that modern culture, inflammatory political discourse and, particularly, the contradictory social media algorithmic universes that surround us “are designed to make us stupid and angry.” It has become “permissible, popular and profitable to say and do things to and about each other we never did before.” Friedman is convinced that “we are not divided, we are BEING divided.”
Author Tara Brach talks about the “trance” of othering that takes hold of us when we are inundated with distressing news and we find ourselves reducing someone or a group to the role of enemy, or threat — and fixating only on what we think is wrong with them. Brach says we get “caught in aversive judgment and condemnation that doesn’t wisely separate bad humans from bad actions.” Holding each other in contempt is dangerous for a host of reasons. We may oppose and disagree vehemently with views, policy, behavior – but allowing that to transform into contempt and hatred is a slippery slope with potentially catastrophic consequences.
There is, of course, so much more to the story of each of us. Whether stoked by our newsfeeds or confronted in real life, conflict can quickly become overwhelming and sometimes distorted. When we are overwhelmed, the most valuable resource we have is the pause. Simply taking a backward step, taking a breath, interrupting our reactivity creates for us a world of possibilities. It offers us the opportunity to be curious, to be engaged, to listen. We might even find a seed of gratefulness — if only for the opportunity to breathe. And gratitude has the effect of unshackling us from negativity. This simple practice is far from easy… but it holds enormous promise and presents an alternative to the dangers of getting stuck in othering — and where that inevitably leads us.
The work of Beyond Us & Them is designed to reinforce these simple steps and provide an alternative to overwhelm and othering, perhaps even an antidote. When we choose curiosity, engagement, listening more deeply and attuning to our authentic self… new possibilities arise, the aperture through which we perceive opens and the horizon brightens. As we find ourselves experiencing disconnection, driven into isolated and defensive postures, the solution we offer is a practice in which we can reconnect with those we’ve “othered” and remember our shared narrative and profound commonalities. There is enormous relief when we look past the momentary satisfaction of being right and move towards curiosity and care. When faced with that moment of “aversive judgment and condemnation,” we can choose to pause. What comes next may be an opportunity to be curious, to care, to bear witness to the suffering we perceive in ourselves and, perhaps, the other. This simple act of caring enables us, in the words of bell hooks, “to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.” In this way, we move beyond us and them. And that is what our work does.
It is a profound honor and privilege to support and guide an organization that generates work that is so inspiring and gratifying and benefits so many impacted and vulnerable populations. I have benefited in a deeply personal way from the practice of council and the many teachers who have emerged throughout our far-reaching programs. I am so very grateful for the way in which my relationships, imagination and appreciation have deepened. I’ve also grown increasingly confident in the capacity of this work to shift our culture toward more loving, wholesome and peaceful coexistence. That aspiration points beyond intolerance, greed, aggravation, misunderstanding. This balm for our times can be found in that field Rumi writes of, “beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing.” It is beyond us and them.
I invite you to lean into this aspiration, to find ways to practice moving beyond us and them and living into this ideal. The next several weeks will include reports and stories from the frontlines of our work, thoughts on navigating these complicated times — and even some meaningful holiday gift ideas! We encourage you to embrace this idea and fan the flames of this movement beyond us and them. It’s not just a powerful statement, it’s the only way forward. (And it looks great on a t-shirt…)
With love,
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